so...where to begin. i just got back from denver. i had the wonderful opportunity to go home for just a few days for thanksgiving when i had previously thought that it was an impossibility. it was nice. but it was hard. i needed a few more days. or a few less. i couldn't quite decide.
i'm in this weird fragile place right now. that's hard for me to admit. but school (yeah, school) has broken me down so much in the past few months that i've been here that i don't have stock of my usual ability to mask my emotions and just get on with life. i'm starting to think that i've got to deal with some things in my life, or i'm just gonna crack.
but here i am. in a place where i don't really know anyone on a level that i'd trust them with what i've got. i could talk to people at home, but it's different when you're 2,000 miles away. and when the few that i trust so implicitly are going thru their own struggles and mine seem...insignificant.
but here i am. second guessing everything. i have had this overwhelming fear that i will fail at this. that my time here is a waste and i'm doing nothing with my life. just postponing it for a while...i second guess who i am and where i've come from. i second guess my support system. i'm back to that place where moving anywhere is a petrifying thought.
but then i have to sit back and see what is good.
i had a conversation with sarah last week about my self-portrait. she was just amazed by it. couldn't say enough good things. but me...you know me...i had to put her compliments down in my head as just someone who is my friend who appreciated the effort that i put into the project and she was just complimenting THAT rather than the actual final piece. but it wasn't until we actually sat down and talked about it that i understood that she got it. she got it more than i did.
i wanted a portrait that would incorporate a lot of who i am in a way that people who don't know me would understand, but would also mean something personal for those who DO know me. i chose to shoot my hands. partly to avoid shooting my face, but mostly because those who know me know that i love hands.
going along with things that i love, i decided to use words... but, being in this weird place made me not really want to reflect on myself, so i called on my friends and family to help me. I asked a few people close to me to suggest words that they associate with me. they were all really helpful and i managed to get a shot that i could appreciate aesthetically and compositionally.
but when sarah was so moved by it, i just didn't get it. after me trying to explain my process to her, and maybe try to explain away some of her appreciation for it, she just floored me with her conclusion.
she reminded me that who we are is sometimes not easy for us to see or admit, but that we need the people around us to be reminders of who we are. my self portrait actually shows who i am through the eyes of those who love me.
and isn't that really what a true self-portrait is?
