If your sense of humor is anything like mine (or your name is jill), you'll enjoy Teddy Wayne's Unpopular Proverbs by the geniuses at McSweeny's.
Here's a little taste:
MOTION.
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Except for briefly employed 1962 Stones drummer Tony Chapman, who used to like to take long walks through the Lake District and gather moss, lichen, and algae samples. Huge moss gatherer.
RECIPROCITY.
It takes two to tango at the Tuesday-night beginning dance class at Walton Community College, unless you don't have a partner, in which case the teacher will match you up with one, but then you'll feel like a total loser who's there to meet other singles and fill up your Tuesday nights and not really because you want to learn the tango—and Tuesday's a pretty good night for TV now, so just stay home and paper over your loneliness with two straight hours of Glee.
NECESSITY.
Necessity is the mother of Invention, but the two have had a strained relationship ever since Necessity snubbed Invention's wife, Creativity, by not sending her a separate Evite to the family reunion, so when you meet Necessity, don't start off by saying, "Oh, you're Invention's mom!"
STOICISM.
There's no use crying over spilled milk, unless you're stranded in a desert and that milk was your only remaining liquid, but even then, the crying may further dehydrate you and the salty tears will find their way into your mouth and exacerbate your thirst, so, on balance, it still makes sense not to cry.
UNITY.
A house divided against itself cannot stand. Wait, I forgot about duplexes. Duplexes are the exact literal definition of bifurcated housing. God, I can be such an idiot sometimes.
DECEPTION.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me three times, and we're probably playing the party game "Yes, Foolin'!" in which players rack up points to become "Fool of the Hill" by fooling each other shamelessly.
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Hu.larious.
