have a hoagie and cross your legs

so. i must apologize for the depressingness (yes. it's a word. well...it is now, anyway) that has been me and my recent posts.

i must make up for it.

things are still weird in my world, but i am trying to be a big girl and get on with my life. i feel like i've done a lot of growing up and a lot of letting go in a very short span of time...hence the resulting gloominess.

i'm going to go back to my 'what i learned this week' format. i think it's good for me.

so yeah. here is what i learned...or at least contemplated this week.

- holga's are fun.

- i'm tired of snow. it should be spring already.

- satchel and bucky still make me smile.

- i should be more tactful when sharing my thoughts and feelings.

- using a typewriter as percussion is bad-ass. (note: atonement soundtrack = awesome)

- and speaking of soundtracks...if you've never heard the soundtrack to "the mission", you should really do yourself a favor and give it a listen. particularly 'gabriel's oboe'. it's genius...i have a version that yo yo ma covered...it's too beautiful for words.

- i need to find a good book to read.

- i wish i had a canon 5D.

- and a leica.

- i'm enjoying my vacation, but it's weird not doing anything after having been so busy for the last 4 months.

and because i love the few who actually read this...here is some fuzz to make you smile. (c:

don't worry, i won't take your picture. i'm just going to flash you.

i had a blog up, but i felt like i needed to re-write it. not sure why. hopefully, those who do actually read my blog know that i'm a slacker and didn't already come by and read the randomness that was here.

so...where to begin. i just got back from denver. i had the wonderful opportunity to go home for just a few days for thanksgiving when i had previously thought that it was an impossibility. it was nice. but it was hard. i needed a few more days. or a few less. i couldn't quite decide.

i'm in this weird fragile place right now. that's hard for me to admit. but school (yeah, school) has broken me down so much in the past few months that i've been here that i don't have stock of my usual ability to mask my emotions and just get on with life. i'm starting to think that i've got to deal with some things in my life, or i'm just gonna crack.

but here i am. in a place where i don't really know anyone on a level that i'd trust them with what i've got. i could talk to people at home, but it's different when you're 2,000 miles away. and when the few that i trust so implicitly are going thru their own struggles and mine seem...insignificant.

but here i am. second guessing everything. i have had this overwhelming fear that i will fail at this. that my time here is a waste and i'm doing nothing with my life. just postponing it for a while...i second guess who i am and where i've come from. i second guess my support system. i'm back to that place where moving anywhere is a petrifying thought.

but then i have to sit back and see what is good.

i had a conversation with sarah last week about my self-portrait. she was just amazed by it. couldn't say enough good things. but me...you know me...i had to put her compliments down in my head as just someone who is my friend who appreciated the effort that i put into the project and she was just complimenting THAT rather than the actual final piece. but it wasn't until we actually sat down and talked about it that i understood that she got it. she got it more than i did.

i wanted a portrait that would incorporate a lot of who i am in a way that people who don't know me would understand, but would also mean something personal for those who DO know me. i chose to shoot my hands. partly to avoid shooting my face, but mostly because those who know me know that i love hands.

going along with things that i love, i decided to use words... but, being in this weird place made me not really want to reflect on myself, so i called on my friends and family to help me. I asked a few people close to me to suggest words that they associate with me. they were all really helpful and i managed to get a shot that i could appreciate aesthetically and compositionally.

but when sarah was so moved by it, i just didn't get it. after me trying to explain my process to her, and maybe try to explain away some of her appreciation for it, she just floored me with her conclusion.

she reminded me that who we are is sometimes not easy for us to see or admit, but that we need the people around us to be reminders of who we are. my self portrait actually shows who i am through the eyes of those who love me.

and isn't that really what a true self-portrait is?

sixties good?

ahhh...so much to write. we'll see how much i get out.

i went to see matt nathanson last weekend in northampton. he was so much fun to listen to and he might have been the most hilarious performer i've seen. plus he had 'flight of the conchords' playing just before he came on the stage. i might have been the only person in the room to actually know the song, but it made me happy to hear it and i sang along. classic.

ingrid michaelson opened for him. she was sweet and funny and quirky and talented all rolled into one. highly recommended.

melee also played. they were alright, but they seemed like really good musicians still looking for their sound. i hope they find it. they're talented enough.

i'm enjoying school a lot. we got our phase one final project this week. it's crazy. crazy i tell you. crazy. want me to say it again? crazy. but i'm looking forward to the challenge.

one of my absolute favorite professers, Zide, gave a lecture today on personal projects and it got me to thinking about doing some side work to keep my creative juices flowing. for some reason, 'weird signs' was all i could think of. maybe i'll do a series. if you're bored, and you feel like it, please make suggestions...i'd love to hear what you think would make an interesting series of pictures. (c:

ok. so this was random. and short. but look...i wrote a blog. smile. it's a good thing.


and because i love you...and michael zide...you should go look at his website (www.michaelzide.com) especially the 'fine art' section...but really, i'd encourage you to look at all his work. he is quite amazing. plus he's an excellent professer. and hilarious. seriously, he makes me smile every time i see him.

this is an inviting enviroment...now get the hell out!!!

didn't i promise at one point to put up "things i learned this week" on a regular basis? yeah...i think i did. and it's apparent that i haven't really stuck with that. bad me.

well. here's something.

- f2.8 is the best aperture. ever. and the 35mm lens makes me happy. and yet. the 35 doesn't open to f2.8. hmmm.

- i miss mountains. never thought i would.

- being a model is hard. and it sucks.

- dropping a $20,000 piece of camera equipment is a bad thing.

- i could easily live alone.

- i miss my friends. so much.

- massachusetts is a bad place for mexican food.

- i still don't know what i want to do.

we're friends because it's vertically convienient

so, i'm sorry that i've been bad about the updates here but things have been a bit on the crazy side. school is exceptionally busy, but i'm so happy to be here and i can't wait until we get out of the basics and into the fun stuff! ...but even the basics are pretty fun. (c;

the cameras that we have (mamiya 645) are quite cool little (and by "little" i actually mean freaking-ginourmous) pieces of machinery. it has a removable back, enabling the camera to shoot with medium format film, digital and polaroid. for these first few weeks of school, we have been shooting on medium format chrome film. it's pretty cool because after it's processed, the "negatives" are actually not like your typical negative. first off, since it's medium format, the film strip is larger and the picture is actually a positive, or a transparency...so if you put it on a light box, you can actually see what the picture would look like as a print.

while this is really cool, and it's made me think about my shots a lot more (cuz I don't want to waste any film) i miss the ease of digital and i have random people asking to see my work but with the film, it's just more difficult. but this friday we get the digital back for the camera (woo!!!!!). i'll definitely be able to get a lot more shooting in and i'll be able to share stuff with everyone.

in the mean time....here's a pic of the new "toy".


here's a view with the back removed (that's the film back...the digital back is aprox. the same size)


i hope everyone is well, and i'll do my best to update more often. (c:

what's a rotary?

So, as you all know by now, the mom and I made it into MA by last Friday without any major snafoos. But to those of you interested in the details of the trip, well then….you get a blog. (c:

I thought it’d be cool to mark those “important” moments on the trip by taking note of the mileage on the odemeter (kind of like a stardate for you star trek geeks). And of course, “important” mostly means amusing or ridiculous or “look, we just passed into another state”. Also thrown in are some revelations/conundrums/general wonderment. Hope you’re not too confused.

Some of these may be a bit ambiguous, but I hope they’ll be at least mildly entertaining….

59600: We start the journey east on 76. Albeit, quite later than expected…but we’re girls, give us a break.

59684: Fields of yellow flowers as far as the eye can see.

59701: The road is quite ridiculous and we wonder where in the world our tax dollars are going.

59877: We spot an elderly lady totally jamming in her car. We make suggestions as to what it could be that she was getting into. Gangster rap, maybe.

59877: We finally see our tax dollars at work…on the other side of the highway.

59891: Port-a-potty in the middle of nowhere. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

59894: Potty break #1 (trust me…it was significant). Plus, a gigantic ice-cream cone. Heck yes.



And to make the stop even better…we spy a dead bird.



...it was no coincidence that I was wearing the fantastic shirt that whitney gifted to me as a going away present. seriously. best present. ever.



59895: We are mooned by a hitch-hiker. Well, technically we were plumber-cracked by said hiker…hey mister, most people just use their thumb.

59897: I begin work on my right arm. That is to say, I stop driving and start tanning on the other side. My left arm was getting a little red.

59898: Reposition of the butt-cheecks. That should be fairly self explanatory.

59899: Nebraska State Line.

59989: Hugegantic cross.



60077: Building in the middle of the freeway…that turned out to be a bridge.





60135: Crazy cool moon.



60235: Giant outlets. Need to plug something in?

REVELATION #1: Nebraska is not that bad…

60274: Iowa State Line.

60318: Modern Rest Area. As opposed to the Archaic Rest Area?

60368: Stuart the giant propeller. No kidding.

60385: De Soto, IA. Where John Wayne was born. Who knew?

60425: Des Moines…could be worse…could be Kansas.

60432: Creepy gigantic billboard: “JESUS the Adult Super Savior”
……okay…..awkward much?

60439: PT Cruiser starts riding us like a 2 bit whore. Seriously, jerk…get a better car if you’re going to be an ass.

REVELATION #3: Iowa is pretty…you just have to get away from Des Moines.

60453: Kellog?? Like the cereal?? Must know….need more crap in head…

REVELATION #4: Iowa = Land of “corn towers”…also known as “silos”…just don’t tell Steph it’ll just confuse her.

60487: Sign: “Belle Plain What Cheer Center” ….what????

CONUNDRUM #1: If Cowboys wear cowboy hats…what do tiger trainers wear?

REVELATION #4: Since tigers are mesmerized by shiny things, then Sigfried and Roy must have invented the bedazzler to make tiger training easier…Therefore…Elton John would make a great tiger trainer.

REVELATION #5: Iowa City: Where the old people gather (easy on the spices, Chuck)

60589: Illinois State Line

REVELATION #6: Hiding things in your shirt is a bad idea.

60757: Indiana State Line

REVELATION #7: Illinois is not impressive…and it stole my shoe.

60765: Child molester alert. Seriously, a freaking huge billboard with a picture of a sexual offender.

60862: One more for the po-po…another large billboard informing us of what a child molester looks like.

60862: Bright moon + low fog = beautiful.

60914: Ohio State Line

REVELATION #8/ CONUNDRUM #2: If there are so many trees in Ohio, thus extra oxygen…than why is everyone so slow?

61076: We realize that the lady at the Holiday Inn was lying when she said that Toledo was “right off the highway”…unless it moves at night.

61090: Holy Toledo! We’re in Cleveland!

61092: Holy Toledo!! We almost died just then!

REVELATION #9: The one on the right is the accelerator

61125: Old men. We make a stop in Akron, OH and stay with my grandpa and my uncle.

...they had cute kitties.



61132: Something’s afoot at the Circle K…and it ain’t speed.

61144: Stupid yellow jeep lady.

61148: Boycott the rest station!!! Semi’s are people too!!

61169: Stupid birds.

61191: Poor Bambi

61201: A clean rest area. What a concept.

61236: Pennsylvania State Line

61283: New York State Line

61313: Mom mistakes a curb for a driveway and blames Dunkirk.

61315: I pledge allegiance to the…mobile home?

61335: Apparently the world goes dark when you use your windshield wipers…or at least NY does.

61390: Niagra Falls: A good place to poop.



61398: We are flipped off by a jack-ass. Yep. We’re in NY.

61659: Amazingly large…and orange…moon.

CONUNDRUM #3: If Canada is ours to discover…then why do we need a passport?

61689: Need a vacation? Let’s go to Slingerland!!!

61720: Free highway!!!!!

61728: Awww, CRAP!!! It only lasted 8 miles.

61729: Massachusetts State Line

61748: Apparently MA is low in sodium…it’s MA light!

61755: “Now entering Blandford”…thanks for the warning.

61793: Massachusetts is nice and the toll booth guy is rad.

61844: Just realized that we’ve driven about 20 miles and didn’t record the journey’s end mileage…but don’t blame us, we were confused by the rotary.

We am here.



And just because I love you all…well, maybe it was because I was bored…but here are the new slogans for each state we drove thru. Minus Colorado…you all know Colorado.

Disclaimer: these are journey specific. Some of these are perfectly lovely states, I’m sure, but not all of them were for us.


Nebraska: Not as bad as Kansas.

Iowa: Silos. It’s where they go.

Illinois: Are you kidding me?

Indiana: Get your change out, girls.

Ohio: We’ve got oxygen…and we don’t believe in signs. Or driving well.

Pennsylvania: I hardly knew thee.

New York: Stop it with the tolls already!

Massachusetts: It’s about damn time.

holy toledo...we're in cleveland.

hey everyone! i made it to Massachusetts safe and sound on friday. finally got connected to the internet today and thought i'd drop a note to let you all know i was here.

next blog will be a nice, detailed account of the crazy trip. (c:

love you and miss you all!!!

you're like a couple of cool looking idiots

things i learned this week....


concerts in the rain are fun...but i have my limits. didn't know that till recently.

i hate weddings. not a new revelation. but it's true.

i'm going to miss a lot of people. it seemed more real this week.

there are some issues in my life that i thought i had moved past. i haven't.

the dividing line for east and west colfax is broadway.

can someone please remove these cutleries from my knees

so. it's just been quite a long time since i've managed to write anything.
that's not good.
yet again, i'll try to remedy that.

i feel like so much has happened and there is so much on my mind and in my spirit, that it seems like i'm not even sure where i should start.
or even if i can.

a long time ago, in a galaxy far away (also known as myspace) i posted a blog about things i'd learned/realized/remembered/appreciated that week.
i think i'm gonna try that here.
maybe i'll try it once a week.

yep.

keyword=try.


i have way more crap than i thought i did and i'm learning to let some things go. no more pack-rat for me.

not having a job isn't as much fun as i expected.

rain is good. (not that that's a new revelation...but it was just exceptionally good this week)

i miss some people. so very much.

whitney is good at painting flowers. on toes.

murray is really weird.

new zelanders are quite funny. no, really. quite.

i shouldn't be so hard on myself.

writing is good for me. i really should do it more often. and i'm talking pen-to-paper writing. it's thereputic. you should try it.

when trying to impress someone with cooking skills...make sure you've got everything you need.

.hoping to find.

so i'm a little worried. i'm really freaked out about meeting people/making friends when i go to school. maybe i'm complaining about this too much, but it seems to be my biggest fear at the moment.

those who know me, know i'm bad at making friends. and those who don't know me...well, just take my word. i'm bad.

once i get to know people it's all good, but it takes so much time for me. i'm only going to be around my classmates for 10 months. not sure what i can accomplish in that time.

and on top of this, i'm going to be by myself for the first time in my entire life. no friends. no family. not even a minor acquaintance. who knows...maybe this will be something that i need and that will be good for me and get me to a place that i need to be, but it scares the hell out of me.

i have an inherent distrust of people. i think it comes from being a pastor's kid. of having your life examined and judged and critiqued when you're still in grade school. maybe building walls are an expected response to that. i don't know. maybe that's just an extreme reaction.

i've always thought the most fair thing would be for everyone to assume people are trustworthy until they prove you wrong. sadly, i've never managed to treat any new relationship that way. i always assume people are untrustworthy until they prove differently...and then because i'm automatically untrusting, it can be quite difficult for anyone to prove their trustworthiness.

sometimes i wish i could just flip a switch and be different.

wake me when it's springtime in heaven

Dustin Kensrue...you are a genius.

for those of you who don't know...Dustin Kensrue is the lead singer of the band Thrice. he recently made a solo album that is nothing at all what you'd expect from anyone associated with Thrice. just bought the album and was completely (albeit, pleasantly) surprised. and now i just can't stop listening. the lyrics are raw, beautiful, honest...

closest thing to johnny cash since....well, johnny cash.


I Believe

Seen your face in every child that smiles
And I can't help but rejoice
And I've heard the song called thunder
But I knew it was your voice

Touched the holes in your calloused hands
Stuck my fingers in your side
oh I was six-feet-deep in doubt but
Now I'm sure that you're alive

And it's safe to say we'll never know everything
still blessings we receive
And it’s safe to say I really don't know a thing
still I choose to believe

I have smelled the scent of angel sweet
Floating in the summer air
I have breathed in deep the incense
While the saints send up their prayers

I have tasted now I see
Oh I see that you are good
And I have ate your perfect body and
I have drank your blessed blood

And all the answers that I find
Only take me so far down the line
And the tracks always give out
yeah it's a leap from the lions mouth

put that in your pipe

sorry for the ambiguity of my last post. i had a lot to say, but sometimes this forum is difficult. i don't share a lot with the "general public"...i prefer to keep most of my issues within the confines of the small group of people i trust. but, i really needed some way to vent without revealing a lot. the song lyrics that i used really reflected how i was feeling and i'm a big proponent of using other people's words to convey something i couldn't otherwise do on my own (as long as ownership is given, of course)

and continuing along those lines, it made me think of the amazing talented people that i'm surrounded by. writers, artists, musicians...all unique and they all inspire me to do more.

so that's what this here blog is about. showcasing my friends. (c:


a selected poem from Gabe
http://typinghurts.blogspot.com/2007/06/its-lonely-in-my-brain-words.html
he has a way with words that seem so effortless.

selected short from Cuyler
http://yarnfactory.blogspot.com/2007/04/daily-dime-pun-is-rare-medium-well-done.html
his creativity scares me sometimes. in a good way. (c;

selected poem from Mandee
http://www.writerscafe.org/poetry.php?id=96858
her intelligence belies her age.

art from Danielle
http://umbrellajane.deviantart.com/
my ever so talented cousin. sometimes i wish i had gotten that gene. (c:



a short from Todd
http://initialdraft.blogspot.com/2007/05/daily-dime-tavern.html
i'm envious of his ability to take you inside an "ordinary" situation and make it interesting


music from Jason
http://www.myspace.com/jasonstockermusic
really...could i say anything that would do this justice? probably not.


podcast started by Cuyler, Arthur and Robert
http://pipesandpints.mypodcast.com/
interesting. funny. thought provoking.

this is just a small example of the talent that i am surrounded by. lucky, eh?

.no.vember.

have you ever lost a friend? or watched a friend fade away?
i don't like it. it hurts like hell.

===============================================================


so i'm waiting for this test to end
so these lighter days can soon begin
i'll be alone but maybe more carefree
like a kite that floats so effortlessly

i was afraid to be alone
but now i'm scared that's how i like to be
all these faces, none the same
how can there be so many personalities
so many lifeless, empty hands
so many hearts in great demand
and now my sorrow seems so far away
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain

but i turn them off and tuck them away
till these rainy days that make them stay
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs
and the words still ring, once here, now gone
and they echo through my head every day
and i don't think they'll ever go away
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we can't go back, we're on our own, oh

but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself

so we're speeding towards that time of year
to the day that marks that you're not here
and i think i'll want to be alone
so please understand if i don't answer the phone
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
until i can see nothing at all
only particles, some fast, some slow
all my eyes can see is all i know, oh

but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself


...Orenda Fink & Maria Taylor...

because!! a ho's gotta have a pimp!

tonight my friend scott came over for "one last dinner" (he's leaving for the army tomorrow) and he was blessed (or cursed) with a myriad of romine stories and humor. living as close to colfax as we do, we had to talk about the wonderous things one sees on colfax...and, of course, by "wonderous" i mean interesting....and by "interesting" i mean strange. we talked about some of the "interesting" characters one would see on colfax and my mom said that she'd never seen a pimp. my dad replied with a "well there's gotta be pimps!". to which my mom replied "well, how could you tell?"...and to that, my dad replied "because!  a ho's gotta have a pimp!" classic.

good times.

it was really nice to have scott over and to just have a relaxed night with good food (thanks mommy) and lots of laughs. it's so good to see him happy about what he's doing and where he's going, even if it means that i won't get to see him for a long time. )c:

it's just reminding me of all the changes that are on the horizon. little alicia is leaving in less than two weeks...but i'm so excited to see her off to put her talents and passions to work. then i'm going to have to say "good-bye" to work the end of july. and finally, "good-bye" to colorado in august.

oi.

it'll be strange.

but good.

bittersweet is making a whole lot of sense right now.

.alpha. ...again.

in an attempt to keep separate my "daily dimes" and my "regular" blogs, i thought i'd use my nifty little blogger account.

here is my first attempt at regularity...

i'm a little nervous right now. i'm waiting. i don't like waiting. it feels like school is coming up so quickly, yet it still seems like it's so far away. i'm still waiting on my loan and i'm praying that it goes thru easily and quickly. i'm also a little leery of leaving my family. i sometimes feel like i'm leaving my mom hanging, but she is the one who has encouraged me to do this more than anyone else. i'm also scared that my dad is just going to get worse and i'm not sure how i'm going to handle that being so far away and being unable to help.

along with that apprehension, i'm in this limbo stage where it feels like i shouldn't be allowed to meet new people since i'm leaving in a few months anyway. however, i did go with Chels tonight to a small group thru Grace. i went not knowing what exactly to expect and i went with a closed-off attitude. but it was actually good. i did meet some new people. and it think it was good for me. i stepped a little outside of my comfort zone and Lord knows i need to do that more often.

i took pictures for my friend Sarah's wedding last week. it was a lot of fun and a lot of practice. (c: it made me look forward to school that much more and it made me wish i knew more right now.

keep praying for me. as evidenced by the randomness of this blog...i need it.