Isn't it funny that the times in our lives when we focus more on (or are at least more aware of) happiness is when we are surrounded and saturated with grief? Like the C.S. Lewis quote about faith “We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.” While most of us would rather be happy than depressed, don't we take it for granted most of the time?
In the past 6 months, I've never had the question "What makes you happy?" asked of me more than I have in my life.
Some of you, at least, know the grief in my life and have shared with me, supported me and picked me up. The nature of my dad's disease requires a certain level of expectancy and just two years ago I struggled with watching my father deteriorate, knowing all the while that it was just the beginning.
After months of hospice and being told more than once that he wouldn't live through the night; after saying good-bye so many times I've lost count and letting go every single day, I am exhausted. The word doesn't seem large enough, but it's all I've got. My patience has been stretched and strained, my strength has been pushed to the brink and I've come face to face more than once with the person I truly am. It's been the toughest, most meaningful learning experience I've ever had and maybe ever will have.
It's defined me and I'm still learning what that means.
In all of this, though, what brings me back from the edge is to find the little things that make me happy. Reading, writing, talking with friends, crying with friends, laughing with friends, hugs, tea, solace, promises...music, driving with my windows down, walking in the rain, smiles on strangers, tossing a frisbee, jumping jacks, singing, hair cuts...reminiscing with my dad...crying with my mom.
There is happiness in the smallest most insignificant seeming moments. There is happiness in the sad moments. There is happiness in the loud and quiet.
We just need to look for it.
“I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.” ~Martha Washington
2 comments:
This is a really touching post, and my heart goes out to you. Right now I'm kind of dealing with the news that a loved one has been given a set amount of time left to live, and it's hard knowing it's only going to get tougher, but at the same time it really does make you appreciate the joy in the small, day to day things. Hugs...
Thanks, Emily. (: I'm sorry that you're experiencing something similar. I won't sugar-coat it and say it's going to be easy, but there is much to be learned from such a situation. My prayers are with you and your loved one. Hugs right back. (:
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