i'm so complex.

i fancy myself a pretty creative person. but lately, my creativity has been a sad little desert of nothingness. not even tumbleweeds. i could probably work with a tumbleweed.

however, i am surrounded by so many inspiring people and have seen a lot of things that have done well at expressing how i'm feeling, even when i cannot.

so until i can get back to that place of creativity, i wanted to share with you...the faithful few...what has inspired me and who has spoken on my behalf.

first up is a blog that was written by alex dezen (lead singer of the band 'the damnwells'). he is a fantastic writer and i thoroughly enjoy reading his blog. this one is an older one, but he speaks to a subject i myself have addressed before...but he does it in such a lovely way. (c: i hope you enjoy it.

**sidebar** he writes the blog on myspace and the first paragraph is in reference to the annoying ads that appear along the top of every screen.


04.24.07

The little game at the top of the screen where you get to catch a bear, slap a fat guy in the belly, or take a picture of some celebrity, is always way too enticing to ignore. Well, for me at least. I mean, who can ignore the weird, phantom Jessica Simpson head flying around outside some cartoon film premiere or award ceremony? And yes, secretly I pretend it's a gun that I'm wielding from the paparazzi line, not a camera. But my intentions are hardly malicious, at least not beyond the most pedestrian kind. After all, this is not the actual Jessica Simpson we're talking about here; it's just her weird, phantom head. And I don't have a gun. At least not yet.

Sometimes people say things to me, assuming I loathe Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Justin Timberlake, and other pop stars.

"That's not music!" they bellow.
"Yeah," I cowardly agree, not wanting to stir up any trouble.

The truth is, I don't listen to Jessica Simpson or Mandy Moore. I couldn't pick either of their voices out of a lineup. They're both pretty sexy and all that, I guess. I hope that doesn't make me a pig, I guess. My fiancée doesn't own any of his records, but she loves that one Justin Timberlake song. The DJ is going to play it at our wedding. Everyone loves that song. Everyone will be dancing. And that "d**k in a box" skit was pretty amazing too.

People assume that because I make music, I hate people like Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Justin Timberlake, because they're "a fake," or because they're intentions are "untrue." The truth is, I don't really give a shit. Would you assume just because someone's black, they like basketball? Maybe they're an avid Curler? I like what I like, and don't like what I don't like for my own subjective reasons, just like everybody else. What does the validity of someone's intentions have to do with the music they make, and how in the hell can someone infer all that from a 3 minute and 30 second "pop" song? Sometimes I write songs about nothing. Sometimes a bunch of words or guitar chords just sound good together. Sometimes I try really, really hard to write a "pop" song. Does all this make me a fake? Perhaps more so! But more importantly, does any of this really matter? It ain't rocket science. It's just music.

I realize this is a very serious subject to many people, so I don't mean to write about it with such flippancy. It is also a subject that has been talked about to death, so I don't mean to bore you with it either. I simply wanted to say, it doesn't matter to me what your intentions are or if those are your real boobs. We're only here in parting glances. Why scowl?

I'm sure I'll feel differently about all this tomorrow.

If you're interested in reading more of alex's blog or listening to some good music, just go to the damnwells' myspace page at www.myspace.com/thedamnwells.

...or here is a little taste...
alex and his lovely wife angela with an acoustic version of 'like it is'

say it to me now

i haven't heard anything this genuine in a long time.


..there is beauty and pain in the sound.



Glen Hansard 'Say it to me Now'


**edit**3.22.08

apparently the video was taken down. here is another version...poorer quality. but you get the gist.

business time

hey everyone!

i have joined the wonderful world of the web and bought a domain name for my photography. i have not fully finished creating my site, but will hopefully have something soon. i may just start off with a basic gallery of photos just to fill space until i can put up something more significant.

anywho. i'll let you know when i get there. (c:

things i learned...

- i like photoshop.

- i DO NOT like finding models.

- i don't like deciding what i'm going to do come july...but still hope i can figure something out.

- chocolate still makes me happy.

- LOST is addicting.

- Being sleep deprived is not so much fun.

- the Beta Band is good listening.

have a hoagie and cross your legs

so. i must apologize for the depressingness (yes. it's a word. well...it is now, anyway) that has been me and my recent posts.

i must make up for it.

things are still weird in my world, but i am trying to be a big girl and get on with my life. i feel like i've done a lot of growing up and a lot of letting go in a very short span of time...hence the resulting gloominess.

i'm going to go back to my 'what i learned this week' format. i think it's good for me.

so yeah. here is what i learned...or at least contemplated this week.

- holga's are fun.

- i'm tired of snow. it should be spring already.

- satchel and bucky still make me smile.

- i should be more tactful when sharing my thoughts and feelings.

- using a typewriter as percussion is bad-ass. (note: atonement soundtrack = awesome)

- and speaking of soundtracks...if you've never heard the soundtrack to "the mission", you should really do yourself a favor and give it a listen. particularly 'gabriel's oboe'. it's genius...i have a version that yo yo ma covered...it's too beautiful for words.

- i need to find a good book to read.

- i wish i had a canon 5D.

- and a leica.

- i'm enjoying my vacation, but it's weird not doing anything after having been so busy for the last 4 months.

and because i love the few who actually read this...here is some fuzz to make you smile. (c:

don't worry, i won't take your picture. i'm just going to flash you.

i had a blog up, but i felt like i needed to re-write it. not sure why. hopefully, those who do actually read my blog know that i'm a slacker and didn't already come by and read the randomness that was here.

so...where to begin. i just got back from denver. i had the wonderful opportunity to go home for just a few days for thanksgiving when i had previously thought that it was an impossibility. it was nice. but it was hard. i needed a few more days. or a few less. i couldn't quite decide.

i'm in this weird fragile place right now. that's hard for me to admit. but school (yeah, school) has broken me down so much in the past few months that i've been here that i don't have stock of my usual ability to mask my emotions and just get on with life. i'm starting to think that i've got to deal with some things in my life, or i'm just gonna crack.

but here i am. in a place where i don't really know anyone on a level that i'd trust them with what i've got. i could talk to people at home, but it's different when you're 2,000 miles away. and when the few that i trust so implicitly are going thru their own struggles and mine seem...insignificant.

but here i am. second guessing everything. i have had this overwhelming fear that i will fail at this. that my time here is a waste and i'm doing nothing with my life. just postponing it for a while...i second guess who i am and where i've come from. i second guess my support system. i'm back to that place where moving anywhere is a petrifying thought.

but then i have to sit back and see what is good.

i had a conversation with sarah last week about my self-portrait. she was just amazed by it. couldn't say enough good things. but me...you know me...i had to put her compliments down in my head as just someone who is my friend who appreciated the effort that i put into the project and she was just complimenting THAT rather than the actual final piece. but it wasn't until we actually sat down and talked about it that i understood that she got it. she got it more than i did.

i wanted a portrait that would incorporate a lot of who i am in a way that people who don't know me would understand, but would also mean something personal for those who DO know me. i chose to shoot my hands. partly to avoid shooting my face, but mostly because those who know me know that i love hands.

going along with things that i love, i decided to use words... but, being in this weird place made me not really want to reflect on myself, so i called on my friends and family to help me. I asked a few people close to me to suggest words that they associate with me. they were all really helpful and i managed to get a shot that i could appreciate aesthetically and compositionally.

but when sarah was so moved by it, i just didn't get it. after me trying to explain my process to her, and maybe try to explain away some of her appreciation for it, she just floored me with her conclusion.

she reminded me that who we are is sometimes not easy for us to see or admit, but that we need the people around us to be reminders of who we are. my self portrait actually shows who i am through the eyes of those who love me.

and isn't that really what a true self-portrait is?