kickin' it really old school

Oh my, how I do love McSweeney's. Their random lists generally give me something to giggle at and make my day a little better, but this list I read today was so spectacular that I had to share. (c:

RAP LYRICS OF THE (17)90's
BY CHLOE FILSON

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"To an extreme degree, I have amplified my voice and thus my sentiments—much as a vandal might."

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"Would that I were of greater stature, and could participate in the frivolities of the future."

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"The music I have created resounds loudly in my ears, causing me to offer a brief prayer of gratitude for the blessings given by my Lord and Saviour."

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"At one time, whilst reposing at my leisure—indeed—what, ho! I beheld that which did not accord with reason."

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"Before you are the mechanisms of amplification, and the amplification process is underway. Let us not squander our time; I urge you to appreciate the verses, herein amplified, which in their melody and metre naturally provoke jumping. Thus, jump, as you will."

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"I admit to a predilection for certain female attributes—to put it precisely, yet with due regard for delicacy, the buttocks. You other fathers shan't deny it."

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"Birthed and reared in West Philadelphia, the days of my childhood and early youth were spent in the wildernesses just beyond our village, where my companions and I passed many an hour roaming free and frolicking, oftentimes playing ball sports in the proximity of the schoolhouse. I recall a certain occasion on which two wastrels came upon us, interrupted our pursuits, caused a general ruckus, and incited a fray. Upon my honour, had I not been bested by these mongrels, no doubt my loving mother would not have laid her heavy hand and decided my future in such an immovable manner as she then did. Her words, as I recollect, were 'Get thee to Bel Air forthwith, where you will live with your aunt and uncle in peace, and whence you will return only when you have become a man, noble as any other.' Alas! What choice had I, but to summon a cab and depart from that dear childhood home? How strange it was to see that the approaching buggy appeared to be painted with nonsensical lettering and festooned with the symbols of gambling and sin. Yet I disregarded it and considered it a rarity. 'To Bel Air, if you please' said I to the cabbie as together we heaved up my trunk. At perhaps seven or eight of the clock, after some hours of evening travel, the buggy came to a halt at the entrance of a grand house. After bidding the driver farewell, I regarded my new lodgings. Here would I be educated. Here would I learn my place in the family. Here would I reign, in a sense, as the new prince of Bel Air."

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"Huzzah! There it is."