i wish i was that funny.

alex dezen posted a blog recently that had me laughing so hard there were almost tears.

if you want to go read it on myspace, you can click here or for your convenience, i've posted it below. (c:

Everyone loves those Karate Kid movies, so many fantastic outfits, closed-mouth kissing, hi-ya! And who can forget Peter Cetera’s unctuous love-ballad, where he sings in that vocal nether region that can be confirmed as neither male nor female, promising to “fight for your honor.” Hopefully no crane kicks will be necessary, though I wouldn’t put it past a guy from the South Side of Chicago. This song, which I have tormented numerous band members with over the years at ear-splitting volume, has some fundamental problems lyrically that I guess I’m only coming to understand now that I’m on summer break and haven’t showered in a few days.

The song begins on an eager note, Pete laying in bed beside his lady, to whom there are many things he wants to say. Perhaps this is the turning point in their relationship. Together they have reached the end of the state maintained highway, so to speak. Ahead, there are only the rambling dirt roads, no place for an uncommitted couple to venture. So, here we are, Pete. What is it you want to say?
“I will always love you.”
A tad sentimental, but that’s okay. I love you too, Pete.
“I will never leave you alone.”
Uh. That’s just love rhetoric, right? You’re not literally never going to leave me alone are you?
“Sometimes I just forget.”
Really? How often does this happen?
“Say thing I might regret.”
Like what?
“It breaks my heart to see you crying.”
Then maybe you shouldn’t say those things you regret then forget about.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
And I don’t want to be lost.
“I could never make it alone.”
Maybe you’ll forget that you can’t make it alone. Then you’d be fine!
“I am the man who will fight for you honor.”
I think I can handle myself.
“I’ll be the hero you’re dreaming of.”
Who dreams of heroes? I dream of donuts and rivers of chocolate with donuts in them.
“We’ll live forever.”
But will we age? That’s a very important element when considering eternal life.
“Knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love.”
Did what? What did we do for the glory of love? What does that even mean?
“You’ll keep me standing tall.”
Okay.
“You’ll help me through it all.”
What if there’s a height limit?
“I’m always strong when you’re beside me.”
That’s weird. Are you really weak at all other times?
“I have always needed you.”
What do you mean “always”?
“I could never make it alone.”
Yeah, I know. Do you want me to just call you a cab?
“I am the man who will fight for you honor.”
Didn’t we already cover this?
“I’ll be the hero you’re been dreaming of.”
Again: donuts. Chocolate rivers. The end.
“We’ll live forever.”
Still not sure you’ve really considered the ramifications of eternal life. You’re gonna look like hell after a while. I mean, really bad. Teeth falling out, smelly. You ever seen a mummy? They look like shit.
“Knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love.”
I got nothing.
“Just like a knight in shining armor.”
Cool! I’m really into knights. Knights Hospitaller? Teutonic? Templar? What kind of knight?
“From a long time ago.”
Oh.
“Just in time I will save the day.”
Why not save it with plenty of time, Knight from a Long Time Ago.
“Take you to my castle far away.”
How far is “far away”?
Soaring guitar solo.
Pete?
Fake trumpets.
Are you okay?

Back at the studio, Pete and the producer stand around in their neon clothes considering the single keyboard they used to record this entire song and yawn.